O.J.: "IF I HID IT, HERE'S HOW I DID IT"

“If I Hid It, Here’s How I Did It.”

O. J. Shows Us the Money

[A Parody]

A Special for Milwaukeeworld readers

By. O. J. Simpson

(As told to Michael Horne)

MIAMI -- Some reporter asked me if I was embarrassed about all of the controversy about the book I didn't write, it was actually ghostwrote, not getting published after all and told her, “I got paid just the same.”

Then Frederic Goldman got himself all worked up again, trying to get the money that I said were funds for my children’s legacy, he sued me in Federal Court, the judge threw it out.

“If I Did It,” that book was about a hypothetical case of if “I murdered my wife and got away with it,” well I can hypothecatelize about What I Did With The Money They Paid Me Even If The Book Didn’t Get Published.

O.K. I, Orenthal James Simpson, a single male, formerly of California, moved to 9450 SW 112^TH St., Miami, Florida, after the tragic death of my wife which I didn’t do. Let’s say I moved there because I like the climate and there is plenty of golfing. If you do then that is only part of the story, because as a law-abiding non-wife-killer, I have quite an interest in legal issues like the Florida Constitution, particularly Article X Section 4. This says that in Florida if you have a homestead there, which is where I live, then it is “exempt from levy and execution.” These exemptions even “inure to my surviving spouse,” but I don’t have one of them right now.

In more complicated language like my ghostwriter uses, The Constitution says homestead property is “exempt from forced sale under process of any court and no judgment, decree or execution shall be a lien thereon.”

For example, just to use my own case when American Express got a judgment recorded against me for over $11,000 plus 9 per cent interest on May 6, 2002 I said the heck with that!

They thought they could go after my house to get that money so I went down to a Notary Public and I filed a Notice of Homestead on their ass on September 16, 2004, saying no you can NOT go after my house for your credit card bill money. That’s how it works in Florida. I know that, Why do you think I live here? For the Golf?

I got a $592,000 mortgage on my house in 2003 and then I got a $100,000 equity line of credit on October 22, 2004. That money was sweet, but on the same day I had to sign a document limiting any future advances I could take out of my mortgage.

I had $581,000 principal remaining on my mortgage. They Cut ME Off!

All I had was my $25,000 a month or so NFL pension, and the Goldmans couldn’t get that. About that time I said I’ll play golf instead of working, because otherwise then I’d have to pay the Goldmans money.

So then because I was down on my money, and I had borrowed so much, when I got the check from the publisher which was funneled through a Dummy Corporation called after my daughters’ middle names Lorraine Brooke, what do you think I did with it?

Hypothetically, I could have sent the money to the Goldmans but I already said I wouldn’t do that. Get real! More likely I probably used the money to pay down my mortgage on my Florida house which the Goldmans can’t get.

And then I can go and borrow that money back and I can spend it on my daughters’ legacy and golf.

So, If I had Hid It, that’s How I Did It.

What do you think I would have done? The honorable thing?